So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
