Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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