the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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