Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
