No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
