I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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