You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
