I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
