Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
