I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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