I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
