sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
