just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
