sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
