seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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