Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
no, he came in my armpit
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
