Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
