My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
