I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
