I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
