haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
