My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
