Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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