i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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