i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
