he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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