i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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