Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
