dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
