He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
