just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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