I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
