i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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