Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
