i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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