i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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