Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
