Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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