Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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