Pants 0. Shit 1.
Screwed.edu
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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