I want to have your abortion
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
