I'm so fucking centered right now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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