I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
