I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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