Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
