my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
