I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
