I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
