I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
