you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
